The Power of Personal Accountability

Make no mistake, I’m not here to tell anyone they have a problem or need to change any aspect of their own lives. I’m only here to share my own stories, because I know that recognizing myself in other people’s stories has helped me along on my own journey. I know that there is a huge sober community out there, one that I didn’t know existed 12 months ago, I know that even if someone does not personally relate to excessive drinking, they can relate to human suffering in one way or form.

I also know that I can’t tell someone that they have a drinking problem or are an alcoholic. The truth is nobody can tell you if you have problematic drinking, the only person who can decide if you have a problem is yourself. There is no magic number of drinks or a specific number of days in a row that determines whether you have a problem. For myself I had to ask myself if certain behaviors and coping mechanisms were helpful, and I decided, amongst other unhelpful habits, alcohol was no longer serving me.

Everyone’s rock bottom looks different. This is a lesson I learned from Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Let me tell you, if anyone told me years ago, or even 12 months ago, that I would be attending AA meetings, I would have laughed in your face! Now I’ve learned to love AA meetings, and they have played a vital role in my journey and the reason for this is the raw honesty and accountability of everyone who attends these meetings.

The people who are willing to put up their hands and say, “I fucked up”. “I’m not perfect but I’m trying”. “I need help”.

When I first started attending meetings, I wasn’t sure I belonged there. See, I feel like most of us have a preconceived notion of how an ‘alcoholic’ looks. For me the picture painted in my head was someone who literally can’t function without a drink. From the moment they wake up they reach for a bottle of spirits. They can’t hold a job, perhaps they are homeless and living on the streets drinking out of a brown paper bag begging for money. Perhaps they have drunkenly beat people up, stolen, also do drugs and have done prison time. Perhaps they are drinking to the point of ill-health and liver failure and despite this are powerless to stop. Perhaps they are in and out of rehab and require medical detox.

Don’t get me wrong, for some people, this is true and that is heart-breaking and sad. I was surprised however to learn, that a much larger percentage of people attending these meetings are much more like me. High functioning is what we call it. Women like me, who work full-time, are mothers, who do all the things we are ‘supposed’ to do. Work all day then after work cook all the meals, clean, pay the bills, read books at bed, create Pinterest-worthy lunches and attend all the school events. We can manage to do all these things yet still have a problematic relationship with alcohol.

‘I’ could do all these things and still polish off two bottles of red wine before bed. In fact, sometimes this helped motivate me to get all those things done I’m supposed to. The thing with addicts is they are great liars, but they are even better at lying to themselves – and believing them. I used all these things as justification for my drinking. I deserve it. I work so hard and do so much for everyone else, this is the least I deserve.

When I first started AA meetings, I dipped my toes in the shallow end first. My therapist had suggested trying AA meetings, and the people-pleaser in me didn’t want to attend my next session without having tried a meeting like we discussed, for fear of letting my therapist down (so silly, I know – I’m still working on the people pleasing aspect of my personality). I made it my goal to attend at least one meeting. Living remote I did not have access to face-to-face meetings, but I was happy to discover that there are hundreds of meetings available online via Zoom all over the world. Pretty much at any time of the day you are guaranteed to get into a meeting somewhere. I started by attending a cameras-off meeting, because I was terrified, and typed ‘Just Listening’ next to my name and sat in and listened to everyone talk. This alone gave me comfort. I was amazed at how open and honest everyone was. How supportive everyone was. I was truly in awe of this world I stepped into, and I found I could relate to everyone’s story in some way. I might not relate to the person who is estranged from all their family because of decisions they had made whilst drinking. I might not relate to the person who was arrested. Or the person who crashed their car.

I could relate to the feelings of loss of control. Loss of confidence. Feelings of helplessness. Feelings of hurt and despair. Feelings of not being good enough. Fears of the world we live in. Fears of ourselves and what we are capable of. Aspirations to be better. To be a better person, or a better parent. Like I mentioned earlier, human suffering is something we all have in common no matter our individual stories.

Listening to others own their truths, slowly made me braver. I tried a new meeting, with cameras on one day, and promised myself if I was called on that I would talk. Sure enough, I was asked to share, and I was terrified. I thought about that quote, “Speak up, even when your voice shakes.” And shaking my voice was! If you asked me to recollect that first time I spoke up, I wouldn’t even be able to tell you what I said. I was shaking, my skin was flushed, I’m not even sure if my words made complete sentences, I probably sounded like Yoda, “Drink too much very, stop drinking I must”.

But I did it. I got braver and braver every time I attended a meeting until I started sharing the most intimate and shameful details of my life, with a group of complete strangers, who are so accepting, supportive, loving yet flawed. Beautiful, humble, people with good intentions, who are just trying to find their way through this life like the rest of us. I acknowledged my failures as a person, a wife, a friend but most importantly – my main motivation – as a mother.

This process has taught me that taking accountability for my actions, isn’t shameful and something to hide from. It’s liberating and empowering. It’s not easy to do, face yourself in the mirror and openly admit to parts of yourself that you are not proud of. Acknowledgement of my actions and recognizing areas for improvement has only strengthened me and given me calm determination to keep going.