Let’s talk about love and sex, because it’s not all doom and gloom right?
“So, let’s address the elephant in the room, why New Zealand?”
He didn’t want to know about New Zealand at all, he was jokingly referring to the fact that since last we spoke, I had married a woman.
So, lets. Let’s discuss the elephant in the room. New Zealand has great scenery, beautiful mountains…. Just kidding! I mean it does, but…
This is one of my most favourite stories to tell, because it is like explaining a true fairytale. If in the fairytale Aurora ran away with Maleficent instead of the prince.
We met in 2016. I was one year married with a baby 6 months old – just as any true love story starts out. I knew she was coming to work with us, because my friend who had worked and lived with us at the resort previously, had called in a favor to try and get Emily a job. I don’t like to recommend anyone, let alone someone I had not met, so hesitantly I approached the manager,
“I know someone who is looking for a job. She’s a friend of a previous employee, but that’s it! I’m not responsible for her! I have nothing to do with her! I’m just letting you know!”. A real vote of confidence on my part. That was where my involvement ended until one day she arrived for work. I don’t really know how to explain what I felt or thought when we eventually met, other than, scared? You see in my past I had experimented with my sexuality, but the truth was, what held me back from pursuing dating women, was the fact that I was just absolutely terrified of women! So naturally, what did I do? Didn’t talk to her for 3 months... A fact she won’t ever let me forget to this day and for the rest of our lives…
Until eventually, through the kind of bravery that only red wine can provide, on one drunken Kakadu escapade, I told her I was attracted to her and kissed her. I know how to break the ice after not talking to someone for 3 months…
I know what you are thinking, “but didn’t you just say you were married with a baby?”. Yes. Yes, I was. Was that wrong? Absolutely. Did I feel guilty? Of course I did. I told my husband first thing the next morning. Fortunately, this was brushed off as drunken stupidity, and my husband had been fully aware of my sexuality for the duration of our relationship, so he was not in any way shocked or bothered. In fact, he laughed it off and they became good friends!
What followed was months of friendship, flirting, drunken escapades and the odd shared kiss. We have always shared a connection and chemistry that I’ve not experienced with anyone since. When we were together, we had this ability to just vibe off each other’s jokes and keep them running for the longest time, annoying everyone around us. We were partners in crime, day drinking before Emily had a shift, and me sneaking her beers to stop her from plateauing mid-shift. There would be fleeting moments where I considered if in another universe, we could be more and have a relationship, but that was out of the question. I had just started a family; this was the road I was on now.
And then she left. For New Zealand.
It wasn’t until she was gone that I would ask myself, why did we meet now? Were we supposed to be more? Was I supposed to leave my husband and run off into the sunset and live a completely different life? Then I would doubt myself and wonder if it was all made up in my head. Were we just drinking buddies that went too far? Did I like her or was I just drunk? Did she like me or was she just drunk? Then, drunkenly, again under that bravery of red wine, I admitted to her that I missed her and had feelings for her. It was too late though. She had left, she had met someone new, I was married, and I accepted this is just how it is meant to be. We continued with our lives as they were.
2 years later … I was not in a good place. Something didn’t feel right with my life, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was. I wasn’t sure if it was me, was it my husband, was it just us, was I not supposed to be a mother? I was depressed, anxious and lost. After my daughter fell asleep, I would sit up in bed next to her with a glass of red wine, the bottle next to me on the bedside table, crying alone, and I often did think back to that time with Emily. I would wonder if I had taken a wrong turn, and I would daydream about a different reality. What if in another universe we were living our lives together? I even carried a photo of us in my wallet, for the entire time we were apart until we were re-united. Whether or not I had taken a wrong turn, something was certain, I couldn’t continue the way I was, and eventually that marriage did end.
I’m not going to point fingers and place blame on anyone. Maybe once upon a time I did, not taking responsibilities for my own shortcomings in the relationship, but not now. Now I am becoming more self-aware and acknowledge this marriage ended for several reasons, both of us at fault in different ways, but lack of love was not one of them. We still hold a great deal of love and respect for each other, and I’m grateful for what role that relationship has played in my life and will continue to do so in the future.
Now divorced, it was still not time for me and Emily, as she was now in a long-term relationship and making plans for their combined future. We stayed in touch over the years though, sometimes more than others as happens in relationships, but we always remained in each other’s lives, checking in. While Emily was settled in a relationship and moving on with her life (even had the audacity to ask me to travel to NZ to make her wedding cake … another sore spot for us to argue over in the years to come), I decided to go the opposite way and completely blow mine up…
What followed was 2-3 years of bad decisions, bad relationships with females and males, one-night stands and a ridiculous amount of drinking. I sought solace in all the wrong places. I joined Tinder and started pursuing women because I knew there was a longing in myself that needed to be explored further, but I explored in the wrong places and only caused even further damage to my rapidly declining self-worth. We could sit here for a great deal of time and dwell on all the bad things I did, but let’s just skip to the good part.
December 2023, I finally decided that this was no way to live, and I made an on-the-spot decision to go after the life I wanted to live. I stopped drinking. I made the choice and just stopped. After one month sober, I decided to get fit and healthy. So just like that I decided to hire a trainer and started a meal and fitness plan.
Then, it happened. Emily told me she was single. I was single. Was this our time? I tread carefully though. I knew she was freshly out of a long-term relationship, and I knew she had her own work and healing to do. I did something crazy. I was off to America in 8 months, so one day I casually suggested “You should come to Las Vegas with me!”. To be honest, her response was a little underwhelming, another sore point we will argue over for the rest of our lives, but not long after, she told me she had booked her flights!
With a friend. Awkward! I can’t tell you the kind of spiral my brain went into when I found this out. “She obviously has a completely different idea then I do”. “She doesn’t like me anymore”. “Did she ever like me?”. “Is she involved with this friend? Have I just third wheeled myself on my own trip?”.
To speed this up - What pursued was months of cat and mouse while we both decided what the hell we want. Many confused feelings about how this would work, what my newfound sobriety meant for us, the ‘logistics’, what if we realised, we don’t even know each other or like each other anymore? Retrospectively, I know at times I was too deep inside my own head, still insecure and in true Tara fashion, still prone to self-sabotaging behaviour. I’m evolving, but I’m still human and flawed and continually learning. I decided to stop being scared and allow myself this chance at happiness. I was unsure of a lot of things, but one thing I was sure of, was I loved Emily. I always had.
We married in Las Vegas on the 24th of September 2024. 8 years after we met.
Now some might interpret this as I finally got everything I ever wanted, but it’s not that simple. I believe in my heart and soul that Emily is my soul mate, and I want to be with her for the rest of my life, but I also know that there is no happily-ever-after wedded bliss. Perhaps this was my biggest mistake irrespective of gender or sexuality, regarding my first marriage. Did I have the expectation that marriage should be perfect, and I should be perfectly happy all the time, and if I’m not my marriage is a failure? Was I too young and immature and ill-equipped to accept that marriage is work, choosing that person through the good and bad, acknowledging my faults and insecurities in the marriage that put unnecessary strain on us, and let’s not forget my obvious role in habitually over-drinking and disregarding my marriage vows all together.
I believe our time is now because it was supposed to happen this way. Had we of changed the course of direction all those years ago, we probably would have made a train wreck of ourselves (I did a well enough job on my own). We both needed that time to become who we are now and learn and grow and bring our best selves to this relationship. I know that marriage isn’t perfect, there will be hard times, and to me now, marriage is choosing that person repeatedly, through the good and bad. It’s accountability. Accepting I am better than I was, but I can still be better tomorrow. I needed to go through all the things I went through and make all the mistakes I made for a reason. Through our struggles comes growth.
I can credit some of my personal achievements to Emily, because as much as I started this journey for myself and my daughter, when I knew I finally had a chance at a future with Emily, I knew I wasn’t fucking up this time. I want to bring the best version of myself to this relationship, for her, because she deserves that. She makes me strive to be a better person every day, she supports me every day and makes me believe that I can be that better person. She makes me feel safe. She makes me feel beautiful. She makes me feel worthy of love.
So, that’s the elephant in the room.
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