Spoiler Alert - I'm Alive

I had a creepy existential dream recently, and I have a weird relationship with dreams because the logical side of my brain tells me they don’t mean anything, but the other half of me that is yearning for a Higher Power, and meaning to life, tells me that I need to listen to what my dreams are telling me. In this dream I was talking to someone, who I later realised was myself, and in this dream, I was telling myself, “I’m grateful for my life. I’ve had a great life, I’ve met beautiful people, I have great memories, I’ve lived.” Then I specifically said, “If I die tomorrow, I’m happy with the life I’ve lived”.

Creepy!! Right!?

This dream was so vivid, that it stayed with me all weekend. Part of me laughed it off and thought ‘Wow, that was a crazy dream’, but the other part of me watched my back all weekend thinking ‘Is that a sign? Is something going to happen this weekend!’. I even jokingly but half not joking messaged my sister and friend to tell them about the dream and told them “So, if I die this weekend, can you let everyone know I’m okay about it?”

Spoiler alert – I’m alive.

We went away camping this weekend and at some point, I decided to give in to my fate whether it was a just a dream or not, but I took moments to reflect on the dream. Whether my mind drifted off as we were driving through the mountains or laying on the beach watching my daughter trying to ride the waves without a board or laying in the tent trying to drift off to sleep listening to the light drizzling rain outside. I realised the dream was true. If something happened to me tomorrow, I would be happy with the life I’ve lived so far. I’ve had a great life, and that includes all the bad choices and bad decision making I’ve made along the way.

Sobriety has given me gratitude. It’s also given me self-compassion. We talk about self-care all the time, but rarely we talk about self-compassion. I’ve realised over the years I’ve forgiven a lot of people for various reasons, but I’ve lacked the ability to afford myself the same treatment. Now, I forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made in the past. This isn’t a “Get Out Of Jail Free Card” (We have been playing Monopoly recently – and I may as well mention that I’m currently the family reigning champion…) I forgive myself, but I also take responsibility. I learn and take action. I’m grateful for all the mistakes I’ve made, because I’ve learned from them.

Being away for the weekend, outside in nature, and, I guess the possibility of my impending death, gave me time to further reflect on life in general. Those moments at the beach or sitting around playing (and winning) Monopoly with my family, riding horses along the sand, laughing at my wife who somehow managed to crack an egg, miss the bowl, get the egg outside of the bowl and the eggshell inside the bowl – these are the moments that matter. If I did die tomorrow, these moments of happiness are all that matters.

I think about the things we allow ourselves to get so caught up in and wrapped up in. 4 months ago I was so stressed out in a thankless job that I held for 7 years. Not a special job, not career defining, just a job that pays the rent. That job kept me awake at night. My phone rang afterhours every single day, on weekends, even Christmas Day. I felt like I had the world on my shoulders because I wasn’t only carrying my own burdens and worries, I was carrying those of a team of people. It didn’t seem to matter how hard I worked, or what I tried to do, it wasn’t enough. I allowed myself to get dragged down, and for what? Of course I have awesome memories with some awesome people, but 4 months later and that place is a faded memory, as I am to it.

All of it is temporary.

If I died tomorrow, does stressing over a workplace for 7 years matter? I’ve always prided myself on being a hard worker, but I’ve placed too much value on myself as a worker, and given too much to people who don’t deserve it. That energy, focus, and …love – is much better served elsewhere. My family, my friends, and most importantly, myself.

I had another realisation. This weekend was my first family camping weekend, sober. I didn’t even realise until after we had returned. That was how little alcohol was even missed. Yet, previously, for me at least, drinking and camping go together. I would even go as far as to say, camping is an excuse for drinking. Especially at 8am in the morning! It’s socially acceptable to crack a beer for breakfast whilst out camping.

There really is something to be said for connection with nature, and I don’t think I have fully appreciated this in the past. I’ve always loved camping, but through drinking, I wasn’t always present. To truly be present in your mind and body and connect with nature with a sober mind is a gift I haven’t appreciated until now.

So today I’m grateful for enjoying time with my daughter and wife. I’m grateful for the life I have, the life I’ve lived, and the life still left to live. I’m grateful for growing self-awareness. Self-compassion. But most importantly, I’m grateful for being such an amazing Monopoly player and undefeated champion.