Sad, Naked Lobster

I’m sure anyone reading that title is probably thinking I’ve turned back to drinking but stay with me for a moment. For anyone under the assumption that this blog is a story of getting sober and never having a struggle in life again, I have some disappointing news to bear. Afterall there wouldn’t be much to share if the story was “I stopped drinking and lived happily ever after”, and I challenge you to find one single person who could say that. First, the truth is that relapse is a part of recovery. Maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe 10 years, but for many people attempting to stop drinking, they will inevitably fall once or several times. We in the sober community have accepted this as truth, when someone we know stumbles, we encourage them to dust themselves off and get back up again without judgement. What those people need, what I need, is support and encouragement in those times.

Second, Sobriety isn’t about feeling good all the time. It’s about feeling everything.

It’s about sitting with my emotions even when I’m uncomfortable.

Recently I’ve been feeling uncomfortable.

I’m currently reading a book called “12 Rules For Life” by Jordan B Peterson, and I was a little confused when I started reading the first chapter, where he spends a great deal of time explaining the comparisons between human beings and – lobsters. In the simplest of explanations, he discusses territorial lobsters, and how when a lobster wins a fight for territory, he changes. He stands taller, proud and defiant. This body language speaks to the other lobsters, and they now know not to mess with him. He gets the better territory and his choice of the females, all because he is now exuding this confidence. Meanwhile, the defeated lobster has shrunk in size, he’s slumped over and lost all his confidence. He’s now become prey for stronger lobsters, he’s the lobster hiding under a rock, he’s lost all respect for himself and from others. The moral of the story, at least how I read it, is to be the strong lobster standing tall and proud, no matter what your ’status’. Play the part, and you will become the part. A fake it until you make it if you will.

For some reason, this lobster analogy has really stuck with me, and maybe that’s why Jordan wrote it that way! Now when I’m talking with my wife, or myself in my head, I say “I’m standing tall like the tough lobster”

Today though, wasn’t a tough lobster day. Sitting with my wife in a particularly vulnerable moment, I tried to fight back the emotion, but I just couldn’t, and through tears I said

“I don’t feel like the tough lobster. I feel like the lobster who has shed its shell, and now I’m all soft, hiding from the other lobsters so they don’t eat me.”

That’s how I feel. Exposed and vulnerable. Moving country and starting fresh is a big change for anyone, even more so with a whole other tiny human by my side. I suddenly find myself living in a house that despite my wife’s best efforts, doesn’t feel like my space just yet. I don’t have a job, I’ve left my friends behind, I’m not surrounded by my things, I don’t have routine and even though I crave it – I just don’t know where to start. I’m trying to navigate my own feelings and anxieties, as well as manage the tiny human’s feelings and emotions too. I had such a huge year last year, kicking goals, and really living my best life, what now? What are my goals now?

After having a moment of vulnerability with my wife, in true fashion as we share a joint tendency to use humor as a defense mechanism and put a comical spin on serious conversations, she giggled and said,

“You just look like such a sad, naked lobster” – which worked, and we both did start laughing at my expense.

She did also offer to share her rock so that I could hide from the other lobsters until I grew my shell back, though I declined and pointed out that due to her proclivity for snacking, I was worried she might eat me.

The point is, this is temporary, I will grow my shell back.

I know this because I’ve done it before. Knock me down 7 times, I will get back up 8.