Lies I Told

 I used to tell myself that I didn’t have an issue with drinking because I wasn’t hurting anyone.

This was a lie. I did hurt people, but more importantly, I never considered just how much I was hurting myself.

Alcohol made me the worst version of myself, but I didn’t see it at the time. I tricked myself and everyone else into believing I was carefree, loving life, a kind of “Live Fast, Die Young” mentality. I thought alcohol made me more fun, more likeable and more confident.

The truth was though, I did hurt people. Alcohol made me disrespectful. I disrespected my own relationships, and I disrespected other people’s relationships. I put myself in bad situations and allowed myself to be misused. I was not a good role model to my daughter. I was selfish.

By the time I realized this truth, I was still completely disregarding myself as a victim to my crimes.

For about 3 years, I avoided mirrors. Literally. I would not look in a mirror if I could avoid it. My daughter’s room had big sliding mirror doors on the cupboard. When I cleaned, I consciously would not look at the mirror. I would watch my shadow in my peripheral vision and avoid eye contact, as though I was avoiding staring into Medusa’s eyes for fear of turning to stone. I hated hotel rooms because they always seem to have mirrors in all directions. I would do my make up in the small mirror located in my powder compact, so I could still do my make up and see so little of myself at the same time.

This was two-fold. My lifestyle had taken a physical toll, so I was not comfortable in my body, and I didn’t want to see it. More terrifyingly, I just didn’t like who I saw in the mirror. I didn’t even know who that was anymore. I didn’t trust myself.

I felt like a bad person. Maybe I was. When I was drinking.

I started to take stock of all the things I had done that I knew I would not have done sober. I could write a whole book on the mistakes I made. Would I have slept with partners of my ‘friends’ whilst sober? No. Would I have had a sexual relationship with half of the people I have, had I of been sober? No. Would I have let down my sister by not showing up to my niece’s school Christmas concert, after promising her I would be there? No. At the time I didn’t understand the hurt, not yet a mother, and consumed with my partying lifestyle. Would I have passed out Christmas Eve leaving my sister to put out my daughter’s presents for me? No. What would have happened if someone didn’t do that for me? Would my daughter have woken up Christmas morning with no presents? Most of my most shameful mistakes I can honestly say I wouldn’t even think of doing without being under the influence of alcohol.

I might take this opportunity to make amends with my sister by finally saying something I don’t usually say. “I was wrong”. I was selfish, and I’m sorry for those moments and probably a lot more over the years. I will be better and do better.

The best thing I ever did, was finally face myself in that mirror. The most liberating and empowering realisation I have ever had in my life, is this –

I am the only person in my life standing in my own way.

It’s not fun to admit to yourself, that you are the reason for all your own suffering, but it was necessary. I was in a cage, but I put myself there! Accepting this as truth is how I freed myself from my own prison.

The good news is that was the hardest part.

It can only go up from there.

Now the focus is Self-compassion. Self-forgiveness. Self-care. These are ongoing, they don’t stop, I must consciously decide to work on this every single day. I still have moments, where I fall and start to feel bad either for myself or about myself, but it’s about recognizing those moments and dusting myself off and getting on with it.

But more importantly,

I look at myself in the mirror. I tell myself I’m sorry I hurt you. You are a good person. You are strong. You are loving. You deserve love. You can be a positive force in the world.