"Last Call'

I remember the exact moment I decided I needed to make a change. It was the 30th of November 2023. The memory is so clear that I remember I was in the middle of baking a cake for a customer, a 40th birthday cake if I remember rightly. Rugby themed, and it was raining heavily outside. I remember making this monumental decision to change my whole life as I laid out our elves for Elf on the Shelf, to surprise my daughter in the morning. Over the previous 12 months I had been re-evaluating my life and my decisions. I was feeling lost and not really feeling good about myself or where I was at that point. I guess I never really found my feet after getting divorced. I wasn’t sure who I was, what I wanted, where I was going. The one thing I did know was that I wasn’t feeling great about myself or how I treated myself and I was starting to question not only my lifestyle but questioning the lifestyle of everyone around me.

For as long as I can remember, I had been an advocate for ‘Working hard and playing harder’. For many years I had travelled, working hospitality jobs, not staying in one place too long, in places that had a big drinking and party lifestyle and culture. Where that lifestyle is accepted and ‘normal’. Where it is normal to drink every night. Not even every night, every ‘day’. Where it is normal to have a day drinking session on a Monday. Where it is normal to stay out until 3am and roll into work hungover/ still drunk at 7.30am.

Even after my daughter was born, for the first couple of years I partied with the backpackers. It was as though I was holding onto that lifestyle, I believed that my life didn’t need to change all that much after having a child. I could still ‘work hard, play harder’. I even took a solo trip overseas to Spain when she was 8 months old, I guess believing I could still live a carefree lifestyle of travel. This trip proved to be horrible, I had the worst anxiety, spent many days in the bathroom crying, and mostly just waited for the trip to be over so that I could travel home to my baby. At this point I had obviously accepted my life had changed, however, did not stop me from the drinking and partying, and would not for some time.

At the point I realized this lifestyle was no longer working for me, that baby was now 8 years old, and I was no longer in my 20’s island hopping. We had a much more calmed down lifestyle, but now in a small remote outback town where drinking culture is just as big, if not worse. In my defense when questioned about this I would say

 “This is just the remote lifestyle”

“This is what everyone does. We all work, and our only social outlet is going to the pub for a drink”

“It’s the social aspect, we do it for. Not the drinking”

Notice the ‘we’ in those sentences. ‘I’ is about ownership. It’s much easier to hide behind ‘we’ and disclaim responsibility for one’s actions.

I had convinced myself I was happy, but then at times I would ask myself if this was it? Was this as much fun as I made it out to be? If I’m having so much fun, why do I feel so bad about myself afterwards? Maybe this was an excuse or maybe I just really didn’t notice when the playing part started to become less fun. At some point I realized that the rollercoaster had stopped, and I just never hopped off.

This day though, on the 30th of November 2023, I was sober. However, an event had taken place in the afternoon that involved the drinking of others that ended in conflict, ended in chaos, ended in my 8-year-old daughter witnessing grown adults behaving irresponsibly and at times even dangerously. I just decided that was it. I’ve had enough. This is not good enough.

She deserves better. She deserves better influences in her life, and that starts with me.

I’ve had enough of everyone’s shit. Including my own.

Alcohol had been a negative factor in my childhood growing up. I made a choice. This cycle ends with me.

I stopped drinking with the intention that I would have a last drink on Christmas Day, and then I would stop completely, which I did. I didn’t pick up a drink for 8 months.

That’s right, mine isn’t a story of perfect sobriety because such a thing does not exist. That is one thing I have really had to work on, focusing on ‘Progress Not Perfection’. A perfectionist at heart and someone who usually adopts an ‘All or Nothing’ approach to most things in life, this has been one of my hardest lessons.

As someone who would be considered a heavy drinker, who would drink most days in a week, I can proudly look back at the year 2024 and say instead of drinking every day in 12 months, I drank 4 days of the 365.

For that I am proud. This is a journey, and it won’t be perfect and that is okay.

Something happened to me when I decided to stop drinking. You see, because it wasn’t only just about abstaining from having ‘a drink’.

It was about choosing me.

I made a conscious decision to stop thinking about the life I wanted and move my ass and make changes to ‘create’ the life I wanted.

The moment I decided to choose me, something strange happened. It set in motion a chain of events and suddenly all aspects of my life started to change. 12 months later, I look back at 2024 and I had a great year! I stopped drinking, I started therapy, I started AA meetings and made friends and found support, I found a trainer and changed my diet and fed myself nutritious food that fuels my body which led to a 30+ kg weight loss,  I went on my first international trip since that ill-fated trip to Spain and trekked for a week at Yosemite National Park in California, I pursued a romance that I had dreamed of for years with someone I thought had slipped through my hands and married her in Las Vegas. I had an amazing year!

In the past I was never one to buy into the idea of ‘the universe’ and attracting the energy you want into your life with positive thinking, manifesting with your thoughts and all that ‘malarky’ (I’ve never used that word before and found myself the perfect opportunity to use it – it’s quite satisfying. Malarky)

After the last year, my opinions have changed.

Or maybe as my therapist likes to remind me, I don’t give myself enough credit for my own strength. I made these changes. I did this. I need to own it.

It hasn’t all been good, proving that even when things are going great, the inevitable truth is that ‘Life is still going to be Life-y”. Problems at work, mum life with a head strong 8-year-old, a long-distance relationship and most notably my father’s sudden medical emergency. However, it has been so much easier dealing with these bumps in the road with a sober mind. I have so much more clarity, patience, self-awareness and overall strength of mind.

So here I am. January 2025. A new chapter. I have just moved country to New Zealand still in the pursuit of the life that I want. After kicking goals last year, I feel hungry for setting new goals and checking them off my list.

That brings me to this entry. For years I talked about starting a blog. Why not a new challenge to check off my list? The first time I realized the impact of honest storytelling and truth sharing was back in 2017. I was really struggling with anxiety and panic attacks to the point where I could barely leave the house for fear of a panic attack. I was seriously beginning to think that I would become agoraphobic and never be allowed to leave my house. I just didn’t know how I was supposed to continue living my life feeling this way. How could I be a mother and not leave my house? I started to become scared.

One day I was sitting on my bed, crying alone, with a 2-year-old in her room playing with toys and I just knew something had to change. I hopped on my lap top and contacted Beyond Blue on their website chat function, and I remember my exact words were “I’ve been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks, and I’m scared of what I might do if I don’t get help”. This was a rock-bottom moment for me. Thankfully, Beyond Blue gave me some great resources, and I became brave enough to see a GP and started to receive the treatment I needed.

I’m not sure why but during this time I had hidden these feelings from everyone around me and was suffering alone. I can’t tell you why, but I felt shame. Now it feels like a ridiculous concept, but I felt shame for suffering. In my youth, mental health wasn’t widely discussed like it is now. I thought that I was the only person who felt this way. One day, I decided to confront this headfirst. I wanted to take the power out of the anxiety. I did something I didn’t think I would ever do, and hands shaking and heart racing, I wrote a post on Facebook discussing what I was going through and what I was now doing to address these issues. The outpouring of love was amazing, but do you know what was even more amazing than that? The people that contacted me in private who could relate to how I was feeling and either reached out for advice on what they should do (which of course I only ever suggested going to a GP and seeking advice), or just to talk about it and share our feelings and experiences.

I wasn’t alone! Turns out I’m not the only person in the world who suffers with debilitating panic attacks and anxiety. Just as I’m not the only person in the world who has a negative relationship with alcohol (Note I didn’t use the word “alcoholic” – that is a discussion for another day).

Guess what? I’m not special!

They say there are two sides to oversharing. For some people it is empowering and freeing. Some say it is a sign of insecurity and low self-esteem. I’m not denying that I have insecurity and low self-esteem – believe me. I have spent a lot of time and money talking to my therapist about improving my relationship with myself.

I truly find this kind of truth telling and ‘oversharing’ empowering.

It is empowering knowing that you are not alone. We are all human. We all have our stuff.

I’ve noticed that a common factor in people struggling with addiction or substance abuse is lack of connection. Connection to themselves. Connection to nature. Connection to other people.

I find sharing my stories as my way of connecting.

We are human and we crave it. Connection with others. Even as much as some of us may deny it, as I have for most of my life.

So here I am, sharing my truth. Embracing my imperfections and inviting anyone who wishes to join me on this journey of self-reflection and discovery.